I just saw a hot homeless man
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
