the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
