I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
