god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
