In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
