I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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