we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
