i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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