I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
