ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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