we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
