just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
