I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
