Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
