he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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