So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
