You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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