Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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