She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
