I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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