I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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