his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
