I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
