I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
