Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
