how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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