I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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