listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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