I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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