wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize