Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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