Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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