if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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