Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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