just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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