Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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