he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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