sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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