ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
