omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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