i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
