Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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