the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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