Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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