wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
the raccoons are back...
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