Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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