why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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