dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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