I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
