I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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