whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
