Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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