If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
