Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
