fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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