I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You are a genius and a whore.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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