good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
