Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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