hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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